I can't get any piece of mind. I can't my mind mind to slow down, to focus, or just simply to sleep. I am exhausted, anxious, and I can't seem to make myself face it. I am falling to pieces, giving bit by bit until I won't be here. I'm worried about my health for once. I don't know how much longer my body can take this.
My mind is slowly, but surely falling prey to the old habits. If I don't get....out of whatever this is soon, whatever that means.. (because even I don't really know what that entails...)
...I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what will happen...
And i don't know if that life is worth living a 2nd time.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Fuel.
What drives me?
Why do I continue to rise into the waking world, day in, day out, far beyond when I should go to sleep?
why do I continue to pour myself deeper into my own mess, why not at least lay down and not keep the flow of both depression and anxiety fresh in my mind?
why do I consistently...
and gone. my reasoning, my motor functions are lacking, I'm making more mistakes when I used to make none.
I am pushing myself too far. I know this. You know this. Except you is no one, no one reads.
Why write, if no one reads?!
Why bother?!
I can't...because I can't talk to anyone.
Not honestly. Not truly me.
Never truly me.
Because I'm not just the monster, not just the man.
I'm both, and we scare the fuck out of each other.
Why can we not coexist?
Why can't I just....be?
Why do I keep this facade of sanity up?
Why don't I try to get help instead of throwing excuse after excuse?!
Because you know the truth of it. You know how to help yourself.
You don't want to admit it because admitting to need help makes you vulnerable.
Makes you human. Makes you able to be hurt by others, by yourself instead of taking the world
in stride. Because being that monstrosity- That impervious, stoic, not-quite-human walking piece of flesh makes you strong. And to tear yourself away from that removes our Edge.
It tears us away from being Ax.
The one thing we have left, and it's fucking killing us.
How's that for ironic...
....We miss you Aura.
....I want to be free....
But freedom...
Is it worth the price?
Is it worth the pain?
Is it worth knowing what I've inflicted? Knowingly, Willingly, inflicted?
I poured myself into other's lives. Made them see who I want them to see, and now, when they need me to leave the most, I choose to stay?
For WHAT?!
FOR FUCKING WHAT GOD DAMMIT?!
I despise what I have made myself, what I have chosen to be, and what I continue to do.
...I don't know...what I'm going to do.
Why do I continue to rise into the waking world, day in, day out, far beyond when I should go to sleep?
why do I continue to pour myself deeper into my own mess, why not at least lay down and not keep the flow of both depression and anxiety fresh in my mind?
why do I consistently...
and gone. my reasoning, my motor functions are lacking, I'm making more mistakes when I used to make none.
I am pushing myself too far. I know this. You know this. Except you is no one, no one reads.
Why write, if no one reads?!
Why bother?!
I can't...because I can't talk to anyone.
Not honestly. Not truly me.
Never truly me.
Because I'm not just the monster, not just the man.
I'm both, and we scare the fuck out of each other.
Why can we not coexist?
Why can't I just....be?
Why do I keep this facade of sanity up?
Why don't I try to get help instead of throwing excuse after excuse?!
Because you know the truth of it. You know how to help yourself.
You don't want to admit it because admitting to need help makes you vulnerable.
Makes you human. Makes you able to be hurt by others, by yourself instead of taking the world
in stride. Because being that monstrosity- That impervious, stoic, not-quite-human walking piece of flesh makes you strong. And to tear yourself away from that removes our Edge.
It tears us away from being Ax.
The one thing we have left, and it's fucking killing us.
How's that for ironic...
....We miss you Aura.
....I want to be free....
But freedom...
Is it worth the price?
Is it worth the pain?
Is it worth knowing what I've inflicted? Knowingly, Willingly, inflicted?
I poured myself into other's lives. Made them see who I want them to see, and now, when they need me to leave the most, I choose to stay?
For WHAT?!
FOR FUCKING WHAT GOD DAMMIT?!
I despise what I have made myself, what I have chosen to be, and what I continue to do.
...I don't know...what I'm going to do.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
At the drop of a hat.
Why do I yearn to help people?
Why do I search out those that need me most?
Why do I hate so thoroughly?
Why does my rage consume me?
Why can't I attain peace of mind, regardless of the situation?
...Because I can't do anything anymore.
I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything I truly want to.
I can't think without sending myself into an endless paradox of twisted emotions and dual-sided logic.
I am losing friends by the day, and have no outlet for my energy.
I can't stay in this house. I can't keep pouring my body and energy into an endless cycle.
Where do you go when you have nowhere to run?
How do you fight with bound hands?
How do you argue when you perceive the world with two sets of eyes?
When you deadlock yourself, and you can't find a way to break yourself out of a mindset, What can be done?
I miss myself. I miss being certain about the way I feel.
I miss knowing that each side of me would at least stay the same, instead of becoming a vortex of swirling aspects, shifting, never allowing the devil's advocate relationship of my brain to rest.
I'm losing sight of who I am, and who I want to be. This life isn't good enough for me.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Music and the way it keeps me alive
If it werent for music, I think I'd be dead. Its one of the very few things that are never touched by my "mask".
I need to get away from here. I need to go work out. I need to go to the Navy. I need to Leave.
And I'm so much of a coward I cant tell her that. But I will.
It will take a little time. but I will.
running away, or finally finding my path?
Facing my dreams, or running from my past?
To keep oneself Alive, do you merely survive, or do you strain for happiness?
I cant be in love when I hate who I am. what I am.
Its time to Break.
Its time to end the cycle.
Its time to go off to wherever my life takes me.
Its time....
Inspired by "What's Left" by Three Doors Down
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A New Beginning? Or a Never Ending Cycle?
People have stopped posting, and I presume are done listening.
Cyrus: No one gets what we are.
Dyne: And No one cares.
Eric: No one feels what we can feel.
Raevyn: And no one Dares tell us what we dont.
We are the Shades of an Aura.
We are the black of the Night.
We are the monsters you're afraid of.
Hiding in the brightest of the Light.
Raevyn: I am the Drive and Passion.
Eric: I am the Stoic Knight.
Dyne: I am the Beast, just underneath
Cyrus: And I am the one who decides what is Right.
We are the Darkness, the Shadow. and We are the Brightest of all.
WE will help to carry you.
then WE will laugh as you fall.
You can not TOUCH us, just as you could not touch your reflection.
You can not HEAR the words we speak.
You cannot FEEL the emotions that dwell within.
You cannot TASTE the power just underneath.
Our power is great. Our Will is greater.
Raevyn: It's time for a vote.
Eric: To leave or to stay
Dyne: To END this struggle
Cyrus: Or continue the fray.
Our battle is one without an end.
Unless it is absolute.
4 Towers.
4 Lives.
4 Memories.
3 must die.
An end to the Chains.
An end to the Pain.
An end to the Cycle.
An all who Remain.
-Epitaph of Judgment, the First and Final Wave.
Yours, only when you think I am.
Fear the Reaper.
Skeith
Cyrus: No one gets what we are.
Dyne: And No one cares.
Eric: No one feels what we can feel.
Raevyn: And no one Dares tell us what we dont.
We are the Shades of an Aura.
We are the black of the Night.
We are the monsters you're afraid of.
Hiding in the brightest of the Light.
Raevyn: I am the Drive and Passion.
Eric: I am the Stoic Knight.
Dyne: I am the Beast, just underneath
Cyrus: And I am the one who decides what is Right.
We are the Darkness, the Shadow. and We are the Brightest of all.
WE will help to carry you.
then WE will laugh as you fall.
You can not TOUCH us, just as you could not touch your reflection.
You can not HEAR the words we speak.
You cannot FEEL the emotions that dwell within.
You cannot TASTE the power just underneath.
Our power is great. Our Will is greater.
Raevyn: It's time for a vote.
Eric: To leave or to stay
Dyne: To END this struggle
Cyrus: Or continue the fray.
Our battle is one without an end.
Unless it is absolute.
4 Towers.
4 Lives.
4 Memories.
3 must die.
An end to the Chains.
An end to the Pain.
An end to the Cycle.
An all who Remain.
-Epitaph of Judgment, the First and Final Wave.
Yours, only when you think I am.
Fear the Reaper.
Skeith
Sunday, May 22, 2011
fragment.exe
....katie contacted me. She actually contacted me....
I'm surprised beyond words. Even though its been....
....a while....
Were talking like old friends....its awkward, slightly....but....deservingly so.
I've been thinking a lot about the past...
I miss you Aura.
How do I live like this? When the only real emotions that get brought to the surface are those of remorse, regret, and anger?
Why do I live like this? I only want to be happy....
But for that....i think I need to be alone....
Actually give single life a chance....
I can't dissapear. I'm not strong enough.
I'm such a coward....
I'm surprised beyond words. Even though its been....
....a while....
Were talking like old friends....its awkward, slightly....but....deservingly so.
I've been thinking a lot about the past...
I miss you Aura.
How do I live like this? When the only real emotions that get brought to the surface are those of remorse, regret, and anger?
Why do I live like this? I only want to be happy....
But for that....i think I need to be alone....
Actually give single life a chance....
I can't dissapear. I'm not strong enough.
I'm such a coward....
Friday, April 22, 2011
Depression, obsession, secong guessing, psychopathy, and the two stages of a flipping coin.
Though I haven't written in a while, and part of me truly hopes no one reads or pays attention to this in the least, I need to say my piece, speak my mind, and spontaneously possibly destroy everything I've ever built to contain the perilous animousity that continues to grow within me.
My name is Eric Michael Mcglaughlin. I am 21 years old, and my name is Dyne Reign Veilstone. It doesn't sound as nice, but its the name that symbolizes, draws into, and then, in turn with my proving-to-be calculating subconscious, proves to be my alter ego of sorts. Or at least was. We are interchangeable, or identities fluxing and weaving, only to be shredded, and reveal the powerful depths of difference between us. I am... Nothing. Not in a sense of self-worthlessness, but in a sense my emotions consist of very little. Fleeting happiness, consuming rage, all tap onto the corresponding powers that be, but I only truly feel when I am broken. And I have not been broken in a very long time. In fact, just over a year ago I fear is the last time I have, or will ever, feel. I have destroyed, pushed away, and ignored nearly all that truly has ever mattered to me, and I fear I am doing it again. I feel no attraction. No care. No sympathy. No true love, only an endless supply of empathy. A mirror image that suppresses the mask of a human being, for that is all i seem to be. I feel cruel. I feel heartless. To all, to every last one of you that i have wronged, and for what i am.... I'm sorry. I think i mean that at least.
The ramblings of a madman, puppetmaster of his own demise, and the speaker for the darkness that resides in the brightest part of your hearts,
E&D
My name is Eric Michael Mcglaughlin. I am 21 years old, and my name is Dyne Reign Veilstone. It doesn't sound as nice, but its the name that symbolizes, draws into, and then, in turn with my proving-to-be calculating subconscious, proves to be my alter ego of sorts. Or at least was. We are interchangeable, or identities fluxing and weaving, only to be shredded, and reveal the powerful depths of difference between us. I am... Nothing. Not in a sense of self-worthlessness, but in a sense my emotions consist of very little. Fleeting happiness, consuming rage, all tap onto the corresponding powers that be, but I only truly feel when I am broken. And I have not been broken in a very long time. In fact, just over a year ago I fear is the last time I have, or will ever, feel. I have destroyed, pushed away, and ignored nearly all that truly has ever mattered to me, and I fear I am doing it again. I feel no attraction. No care. No sympathy. No true love, only an endless supply of empathy. A mirror image that suppresses the mask of a human being, for that is all i seem to be. I feel cruel. I feel heartless. To all, to every last one of you that i have wronged, and for what i am.... I'm sorry. I think i mean that at least.
The ramblings of a madman, puppetmaster of his own demise, and the speaker for the darkness that resides in the brightest part of your hearts,
E&D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
