What drives me?
Why do I continue to rise into the waking world, day in, day out, far beyond when I should go to sleep?
why do I continue to pour myself deeper into my own mess, why not at least lay down and not keep the flow of both depression and anxiety fresh in my mind?
why do I consistently...
and gone. my reasoning, my motor functions are lacking, I'm making more mistakes when I used to make none.
I am pushing myself too far. I know this. You know this. Except you is no one, no one reads.
Why write, if no one reads?!
Why bother?!
I can't...because I can't talk to anyone.
Not honestly. Not truly me.
Never truly me.
Because I'm not just the monster, not just the man.
I'm both, and we scare the fuck out of each other.
Why can we not coexist?
Why can't I just....be?
Why do I keep this facade of sanity up?
Why don't I try to get help instead of throwing excuse after excuse?!
Because you know the truth of it. You know how to help yourself.
You don't want to admit it because admitting to need help makes you vulnerable.
Makes you human. Makes you able to be hurt by others, by yourself instead of taking the world
in stride. Because being that monstrosity- That impervious, stoic, not-quite-human walking piece of flesh makes you strong. And to tear yourself away from that removes our Edge.
It tears us away from being Ax.
The one thing we have left, and it's fucking killing us.
How's that for ironic...
....We miss you Aura.
....I want to be free....
But freedom...
Is it worth the price?
Is it worth the pain?
Is it worth knowing what I've inflicted? Knowingly, Willingly, inflicted?
I poured myself into other's lives. Made them see who I want them to see, and now, when they need me to leave the most, I choose to stay?
For WHAT?!
FOR FUCKING WHAT GOD DAMMIT?!
I despise what I have made myself, what I have chosen to be, and what I continue to do.
...I don't know...what I'm going to do.
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There are those who have felt as though there is nothing left, but often times it is when they are depressed or feel helpless that they realize their own reality. Our own reality... what we see, what we feel, and how we percieve ourselves. Not what others think we see or how others see us. Sometimes seeing ourselves can be difficult even unbearable, but if you allow yourself to be vulnerable one more time ERIC; I promise as your brother DYLAN to try and help any way I can. I know over the years you have lost a lot of respect for me, and maybe rightfully so. I just want you to know that while I may not have experienced the exact scenerios you have portrayed I also know Heart ache and what it is to question. I sincerely hope you read this and maybe even call me. You have been ERIC for a lot longer than Dyne. One day you will understand that, and that you will always be loved.
ReplyDeleteAlways Your Brother, Dylan
My Number is (614) 632-8529, I suppose that might be helpful.
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