So I decided to stop writing in Itallics, since i've become the dominant mindset.
Because of One. Fucking. Girl.
Why is it the girls I always fall for the hardest, I also fall for the fastest?
(scratches his head)
Because that's always been my style I guess.
It only took her 2 nights to really get in my head, and I hers.
Fuck me and my dominance. My Jealousy. My Rage.
And God damn the need for the Mask that is "Eric".
No more falling for everyone you're supposed to be shielding, Eric.
I'm so sorry to everyone. Truly. My words are all I have, but I know they're useless.
Especially when it was my Words that began it.
So, now, for the first time, with a nearly complete mind...
Amber Allen.
I'm not sure what you feel towards me. I know I'm second to Yellow Eyes.
I know I'm in your heart, and I keep making Calypso scream at you.
I trust you with my mind, as well as my heart.
Though I only trust the second because I'm a fucking massochist.
I wonder why I do, when you've already hurt me.
You fascinate me, in ways only you can, and keep me waiting and wanting,
and I wonder, do you do it on purpose? Do you want me to chase and pine after you?
Are you truly satisfied with friendship?
Are you just saying if he weren't there I'd be yours out of pity?
You, you goddamn Kitsune. You hardwired yourself into my brain and my heart.
My soul already fucking yearns to see you again. It hasn't even been an hour.
How can a girl, who, truly, I've known for...what? a week? two?
...How can you do this to me? How is it, when I see, you, I literally feel Everything.
Pain and joy. Lust, Love, and even a small portion of hate (rooted to jealousy/pain of course...)
Even my Dreams, my sacred world, you've changed. You shifted power and control back to its rightful place, whether I wanted it or not.
If I am what you desire, and you wish me not to have my mask on, not for me to be censored,
then why do you show the opposite?
We are alone, occasionally, but more and more recently that is not the case. Are you...pushing me away? Your actions contradict themselves, as your words do.
If you are truly as mixed up as this, and both your actions and words are as true as you profess them to be, should I remove temptation from your path? Should I simply vanish from your life?
I promised I wouldn't though. And I swore, to myself, at least, that i wouldn't let my Mask control me anymore.
I just want to be me....
I wanna scream right now. Just pour my lungs into Rage and release into the air.
I wanna yell at you. Really, i do.
But i kinda....can't.
Because I know how it feels to be in love with two at once....
Scratch that.
Have feelings for two at once. Have desires for two at once.
I urge you to pursue him. Because I don't know if you could actually be with me.
I need something to pull when I'm near you. Something physical to match my emotion.
I've already spent 20 minutes......no...make that 30 writing this.
My emotions are at my forefront, and my thoughts seem so very far away.
The chaos you stir in me is hard to hold back, hard to control.
Yet that is what you desire.....right?
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This situation you're in, and I understand it more than some will, is one of the most painful. It's confusing. A back and forth tug of: Should I feel this? Do you feel that? What is it that you want from me? And...is that truly your hearts desire? Are we a game that only you know the rules to?
ReplyDeleteIt wouldnt surprised me if one or all of thoes questions have come to your mind.
Though I never knew you were in the same situation I was...with feeling and desires for two at once. I wonder to myself, but will not ask you to answer unless you want to, who the two were.
I can only say to you that things will become more clear to you in time. As the hours -thoes painful itching hours where you feel as if you're going through a withdrawl from the one you desire the most- fade into days...things will show themselves to you. I remember thoes hours.
In time, you will be able to understand the situation your in with haze lifted eyes. And she probably will, too. And thats when things will be able to be hashed out proper. When the raw, powerful, mind-crazing emotions settle a bit.
Its hard. It hurts like a sonofabitch.
As your friend...I think you need a major time out from everything. Copious amounts of liquor are allowed and not frowned upon in times like these. :p
I hug you.