Fuel.

What drives me?

Why do I continue to rise into the waking world, day in, day out, far beyond when I should go to sleep?

why do I continue to pour myself deeper into my own mess, why not at least lay down and not keep the flow of both depression and anxiety fresh in my mind?

why do I consistently...

and gone. my reasoning, my motor functions are lacking, I'm making more mistakes when I used to make none.

I am pushing myself too far. I know this. You know this. Except you is no one, no one reads.

Why write, if no one reads?!

Why bother?!

I can't...because I can't talk to anyone.

Not honestly. Not truly me.

Never truly me.

Because I'm not just the monster, not just the man.

I'm both, and we scare the fuck out of each other.

Why can we not coexist?

Why can't I just....be?

Why do I keep this facade of sanity up?

Why don't I try to get help instead of throwing excuse after excuse?!

Because you know the truth of it. You know how to help yourself.
You don't want to admit it because admitting to need help makes you vulnerable.
Makes you human. Makes you able to be hurt by others, by yourself instead of taking the world
in stride. Because being that monstrosity- That impervious, stoic, not-quite-human walking piece of flesh makes you strong. And to tear yourself away from that removes our Edge.


It tears us away from being Ax.


The one thing we have left, and it's fucking killing us.


How's that for ironic...


....We miss you Aura.


....I want to be free....

But freedom...

Is it worth the price?

Is it worth the pain?

Is it worth knowing what I've inflicted? Knowingly, Willingly, inflicted?

I poured myself into other's lives. Made them see who I want them to see, and now, when they need me to leave the most, I choose to stay?

For WHAT?!

FOR FUCKING WHAT GOD DAMMIT?!

I despise what I have made myself, what I have chosen to be, and what I continue to do.

...I don't know...what I'm going to do.

At the drop of a hat.

Why do I yearn to help people?

Why do I search out those that need me most?

Why do I hate so thoroughly?

Why does my rage consume me?

Why can't I attain peace of mind, regardless of the situation?

...Because I can't do anything anymore.

I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything I truly want to.

I can't think without sending myself into an endless paradox of twisted emotions and dual-sided logic.

I am losing friends by the day, and have no outlet for my energy.

I can't stay in this house. I can't keep pouring my body and energy into an endless cycle.

Where do you go when you have nowhere to run?

How do you fight with bound hands?

How do you argue when you perceive the world with two sets of eyes?

When you deadlock yourself, and you can't find a way to break yourself out of a mindset, What can be done?

I miss myself. I miss being certain about the way I feel.

I miss knowing that each side of me would at least stay the same, instead of becoming a vortex of swirling aspects, shifting, never allowing the devil's advocate relationship of my brain to rest.

I'm losing sight of who I am, and who I want to be. This life isn't good enough for me.